FCLP 36 | How to Handle Yourself in a Leadership Meeting

In this practical leadership episode of the Female Church Leaders Podcast, Kadi Cole explores an often-overlooked part of growing your influence: how you show up in the room with other leaders. She unpacks why what we intend to communicate and what others experience can be very different — especially when we're working hard to fit in or prove ourselves.

You'll gain a simple READY framework for reading the room, engaging relationally, arriving prepared, delivering value, and supporting team decisions — so you can contribute as a mature, trusted member of the leadership team.

TIMESTAMPS

00:47 – Why some strong female leaders get held back from promotion 

06:05 – The 5-step READY framework overview 

06:17 – R – Read the room 

07:08 – E – Engage relationally 

08:46 – A – Arrive prepared 

09:43 – D – Deliver value 

10:41 – Y – Yield to the decision

Resources mentioned:

The Competency Gap Quiz; thecompetencygapquiz.scoreapp.com

Next Steps and Resources:

• Take the Quiz: Identify your growth gap with our Sticky Floor Quiz at www.femalechurchleaders.com.
• Join a Cohort: Be part of our next Closing the Leadership Gap cohort for guided coaching and monthly Q&A with Kadi. Visit www.closingtheleadershipgap.com to learn more.
• Stay Connected: Follow us on Instagram @femalechurchleaders for daily encouragement and leadership tools.
• Spread the Word: If you found this episode helpful, please follow, rate, and share the podcast to help us reach more female church leaders.

Tune in and get ready to lead with clarity, strength, and joy. Your calling matters, and we're here to support you every step of the way!

Transcript

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Welcome to the Female Church Leaders Podcast, a weekly resource for women who love God, love the church, and are called to lead. I'm your host, Katie Cole, church leader, author, and executive coach. After more than 30 years in full-time ministry, Open as the only woman at the table, I understand how meaningful yet challenging your calling can be. That's why I created this podcast to remind you that you're not leading alone. Each week, I'll share practical tools, biblical insights, and honest encouragement for the real challenges female leaders face in ministry. So you can grow your skills, strengthen your faith, and lead with more confidence and joy without burning out or striving to prove yourself. We drop a new episode every Monday because Sunday is coming and you are gonna be ready for it. One of the most common things I hear from executive and senior pastors is that they have a female leader who's doing a really good job in her current role, but they're hesitant to give her greater levels of leadership. When I ask them what's holding them back from doing that, interestingly, it often has very little to do with the actual results she's producing. It's how she handles herself in the room with other leaders. They usually tell me that, much to their surprise, she rarely contributes in meetings, even though she's super outgoing in other areas. She seems uncomfortable or overly serious when the team is together, or she doesn't track fast enough with the conversation. Sometimes they say that when she does speak up, she keeps bringing everything back to the same issue, like she has some agenda or something. But when I talk with the woman about what's actually happening in these moments for her, I hear a completely different story. She usually isn't quiet because she has nothing to contribute. She's listening and a little worried about saying too much or waiting until she's absolutely sure she has something valuable to add. She might avoid the kind of informal hangout time before and after the meeting because she has no idea to what to really talk with these guys about. And secretly she's worried that she has nothing in common with them and will kind of figure out that she doesn't belong there. See, the woman who seems overly serious or really anxious may just be concentrating so hard on getting everything right that she's forgotten to relax and remember that leading with other people is supposed to be fun, especially in ministry. And the woman, furiously taking pages of notes and trying hard to pay attention doesn't realize that everyone else is experiencing her is actually distracted and disengaged. See, what these women are trying to express through their body language and actions and what these other leaders are hearing and experiencing are two very different things. And that matters because as your leadership grows, people aren't only evaluating the results you produce in your department. They're also experiencing how you lead alongside others, how you listen and contribute, how you disagree, how you relate, and how you respond when a decision doesn't go your way. Now, most of us never get in a class like this before we enter our first high-level leadership meeting. I wish there was one. I certainly didn't have one. But when I was younger in leadership, I remember walking into meetings like this where most of the people were older than me and most of them were men. I'd arrive just in time because I didn't know what I was supposed to talk about with them beforehand. And I actually didn't want to look too eager by getting there too early. Sometimes I even made us late because I was trying to come in right at the last minute. And then I spent way too much time before that trying to figure out what to wear. I felt like all these guys seemed to have this incredibly simple button-down shirt and pant uniform, and I could not figure out what the female equivalent was. Then the meeting would start and I'd sit there quietly, even when I had something that I wanted to say. Sometimes I would literally write an idea down and hand it to my boss so that he could say it to everybody else. And then when the meeting was over, I'd start cleaning up the table and throwing away the paper coffee cups. I wanted to be helpful, but I was helping in the wrong ways. But over time I watched, learned, and practiced and got better at being in leadership meetings. And when I started contributing my own ideas, instead of literally handing them to someone else, something else also changed. People didn't just congratulate me afterwards for having a good idea because my boss was always great at giving me credit. They actually came up to me after the meeting and started discussing the idea with me. And suddenly, I was now participating as a peer, not someone on the outside trying to fit in. There's some helpful research that explains why this can be particularly tricky for women who lead in environments where most of the leaders around them are men. Women can become very good at watching the culture around them and adjusting themselves to fit it, which is often what you have to do to know that you're fitting in. But it's called camouflaging. And some of that is simply good leadership. We should adapt to different environments. A preschool volunteer meeting is very different from an executive team meeting, and a brainstorming session requires something different from you than a meeting where a final decision needs to be made. The problem is that with all that adapting, when it becomes focused on making sure you fit in, now you're watching yourself more than you're watching the meeting. You spend time wondering if you're talking too much, so you say nothing. You're worried if you have nothing in common with the other leaders, so you skip those informal conversations. Or you're so determined to finally make the one point you've prepared that you miss where the conversation has moved and it comes off as having your own agenda. This is why telling women to quote, just be more confident isn't particularly helpful. You need to know what to do differently. So the key is start with a better question. Instead of walking into the room asking, do I belong here? How am I being perceived? How do I prove I'm ready? Ask yourself instead, how can I serve this room best? Did you get that? That's the key question. How can I serve this room best? That moves your attention from proving yourself to helping the people in the mission you've been invited to lead. I have five practical ways to help you do that. They spell out the word ready. And you can ask yourself these five questions before the meeting to see if you are ready to step in as a leader. See what I did right there? To see if you're ready. Okay, R. Read the room. First, understand what kind of meeting you're in. Are you brainstorming? Are you solving a problem? Are you making a decision or receiving information? Knowing the purpose of the meeting helps you understand how to participate. And sometimes you're in a meeting that does a lot of those at the same time. So knowing what part of the meeting you're in also matters. Then stay with the conversation. If you're taking notes, make sure you're also looking up and engaging. If your instinct is to take care of everyone else, remember that your primary leadership job in this room is to participate in the conversation, not just find a chair for the person who came in late. And if you prepared something you want to say, don't spend the whole meeting waiting for your opening. Listen closely enough to know whether your point still fits where the conversation is now. Okay. The second one, E, is engage relationally. Engage relationally. The actual meeting isn't the only part that matters in a leadership culture. Relationships and trust are also built in the informal connections around the meeting, in the lobby or outside the room, walking to lunch or talking for 10 minutes before everyone sits down. Now, this room may require a different kind of relational skill than the one that makes you great at ministry. You might be fantastic talking with someone about their marriage, their calling, kids, or what God is doing in their life. You know how to do deep. But leadership teams also need some lightness. You are going to disagree and have to make some hard decisions together. It helps if you can also laugh and enjoy each other just as normal people. One of my leadership and life hacks is watching the first 20 minutes of the Today Show every morning. I do it while I'm putting on my wake up and getting dressed, and I get updated on the headlines, what Taylor Swift is up to this week, the key play from whatever sporting event happened last night, and usually the ridiculous social media story everybody is talking about. It helps this socially awkward nerd survive the first 15 minutes of almost any leadership gathering. And it also works when chatting with new people I meet at church or trying to figure out what 6'7 means with the neighborhood kids. I learned about that on the Today Show. So you don't need to become the most outgoing person in the room. Trust that you can find something in common with the people you're working with. Ask questions, laugh, enjoy people. Those moments matter when the conversations get harder as a team. Okay, A. Arrive prepared. Arrive prepared. Know what you think before the meeting. If there's an agenda, read it. If an issue connected to your area is coming up, think it through beforehand. What does the team need to know? What questions do you have? What would you recommend if you were asked? And if you're a verbal processor, please process before the meeting. Talk with someone you trust, work it out through with your team or write it down beforehand. Leadership meetings are usually places to contribute mature thinking, not just to figure out what you think. Now, there are absolutely meetings designed for brainstorming and talking off the top of your head. But when you're showing up to higher level leadership meetings, come prepared with thinking that's already had some development. That preparation also helps you get to the point quickly because you already know what you believe and why. Deliver value. So once you're in the meeting, participate. Staying quiet isn't the goal, but neither is trying to prove yourself. Again, ask yourself, what can I contribute that helps this conversation? Maybe it's an idea or information the group doesn't have. Maybe it's a thoughtful question, a consequence no one has considered, or building on someone else's idea. You don't have to talk a lot, but you do need to participate. And when you have something useful to contribute, take it from me, contribute it yourself. Get your thoughts in order, get to the point, and simply say it. Then listen to what everyone else thinks about your idea. Your job isn't to make everyone agree with you, it's to contribute as honestly and clearly as possible what you know, what you see, and what you understand in a way that helps the team do a better job together. And finally, the why in the word ready is yield to the decision. Yield to the decision. Remember that at higher leadership levels, your role is not only representing your area, it's actually to work with your teammates to help steward the whole organization. So bring your perspectives for sure, especially the ones that others might not see for themselves. You can advocate for what you believe is best, ask the hard questions, disagree when you disagree, but your agenda is not the agenda. Eventually, the group has to make a decision and come to consensus. Sometimes they'll choose what you recommend, sometimes they won't. But if you haven't said it in the room, you shouldn't say it outside the room. Say what you think into the room at the meeting. Don't stay quiet in the meeting and then tell everyone afterwards what you really think. No meetings after the meetings. If it needs to be said, say it in the room where the discussion is actually happening. That's where healthy disagreement belongs. But once the decision is made and the meeting ends, we all support it equally. Regardless of your viewpoint, it's your job to help the team move forward together. You don't have to pretend you suddenly agree. Mature leadership requires both honest contribution and organizational unity. So understand what the decision is and walk in unity with your brothers and sisters after the meeting. And that's what being ready is really about showing up as a mature contributing member of the leadership team instead of spending so much energy managing how you're being perceived. So before your next leadership meeting, get ready. Read the room, engage relationally, arrive prepared, deliver value, and yield to the decision. Underneath all five is the same basic question. How can I serve this room the best? I love that Jesus gives us such a clear picture of this in Mark 10. James and John are focused on position, where they'll sit and where they'll fit. Jesus redirects that conversation towards service. In verse 43, he says, Whoever wants to become great among you must be your servant. Serving doesn't mean disappearing. It certainly doesn't mean cleaning up the table when the team actually needs leadership. Sometimes serving means listening. Sometimes it means contributing the expertise you have. Sometimes it means disagreeing. And sometimes it means supporting a decision you wouldn't have necessarily made yourself. Serving the room doesn't mean making yourself smaller. It means using what God has given you to help the whole team lead better. So here's your action step for this week. I want you to choose one leadership meeting you have coming up and take five minutes beforehand to walk through the five points of ready. Then walk into that meeting prayerfully asking yourself, how can I serve this room best right now? If any of these thoughts about leadership meeting dynamics helped you identify a leadership skill you want to strengthen, there may be other competencies you simply haven't had the opportunity to develop yet. That's what our competency gap quiz is designed to help you identify. It takes about two minutes and gives you a practical next step for focusing your leadership development very efficiently. You'll find the link in the show notes and in our Monday morning email. Thank you so much for continuing to grow in clarity and confidence as a leader. I know you are called, I know you are equipped, so keep developing the wisdom and skills to lead in every room God opens for you. And we are here to cheer you on every step of the way. I'm so glad we got to spend this time together on the Female Church Leaders podcast. I hope you're walking away encouraged, equipped, and reminded that your calling truly matters. To keep growing, join us for our next Closing the Leadership Gap cohort at ClosingTheLeadershipGap.com. It's a guided coaching experience, including live QA with me, designed to accelerate your leadership journey. If this podcast has been helpful to you, would you please take a moment to follow, rate, and share it? Your engagement helps the algorithms suggest our resources to female church leaders we haven't had a chance to meet yet. And don't forget to follow at Female Church Leaders on Instagram for encouragement and leadership tools designed just for you. You can also follow my personal feed at Katie Cole, spelled K A D I C O L E. Keep leading faithfully, keep growing your leadership gifts, and I'll see you next Monday because Sunday is coming and you are going to be ready for it.